Every month, popular magazines feature how to sex guides. In this respect, Cosmopolitan and its kind, in every issue around the globe, help women.
What magazines don’t write about is guides for women whose boyfriends or husbands are asking them to do sexual acts they don’t want to partake in. For every girl who’s ever said “I don’t want to have sex before marriage” or “I don’t like oral sex, but my husband thinks I should like it,” or possibly, “my husband is into ____, and I think it’s too weird,” this is for you, the young women I hear talking about things like this whenever I go out.
“Know your boundaries. There are some people who are absolutely, one hundred percent, not interested in compromising on certain sex acts. That’s fine,” says April Masini, relationship expert and the AskApril.com namesake.
“Knowing this is more important than having that sex or not having that sex, because you can consciously say, this is my limit, this is my boundary, this sex act is a no go for me. The worst thing you can do is know your boundaries and ignore them, only to end up resentful later,” she says.
Ask April’s words of wisdom when you and your partner disagree on sex
#1 How you treat sexual tension in a relationship is about more than the sex.
“Sex can be a wonderful bond in a relationship, but it can also be a trigger for conflict. The way you deal with a particular sexual incident has a lot more to do with your relationship than it does with the sex act, itself. For instance, if you’re in a long term relationship with someone you’re committed to, there’s a lot more ‘deal making’ that goes into your life.
#2 Push it off…for now. But rethink it.
“If you feel like your partner is putting on a full court press to get you to do something you don’t want to, you can tell him that you totally get that he wants this, but that you really need to think about the idea to get used to it. Then ask for two weeks to consider the idea. Don’t use this technique if you don’t mean it. It’ll create a boy who cried wolf situation where he’ll think you’re simply buying time to say no in the future. But if you really aren’t sure, giving him a concrete time frame on your decision is a fair technique.”
#3 Think about compromising.
“If you’re not keen on a particular sex act, but he’s not keen on spending Thanksgiving with your family, there’s fodder for compromise here. Relationship success requires compromise, and understanding that your soul mate may have different tastes in sex, food, living situations, etc. is a good jumping off point. When you’re compatible enough, and you can make compromises, you have the basics for a healthy relationship.”
#4 Or show him you mean business by not compromising.
“Deal breakers can come about when he wants a threesome and won’t rest until he gets one, and you have an ironclad refusal. Or, if you’re a virgin until marriage because you’ve got super strong beliefs, and he’s just not up for waiting — or for marriage — you have to accept that incompatibilities in sex can be relationship deal breakers. This is where knowing yourself really helps you find success in relationships.”
#5 Maybe you are wrong about it. Give it a try if you are on the fence before saying yes or no for the rest of your life.
“That doesn’t mean you can’t test your boundaries. If you really think you don’t want to try something, you can say, ‘Look, this isn’t my thing, but I’ll try it because maybe I’m wrong, and I will be okay with it, or even like it.’ This doesn’t work for everyone, but it will work for some people.”